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The Imperfect Marriage

by Dor Mattie

Excuse me if I ramble and go all over the map in this letter, but I am sure you will understand from the place of turmoil and great pain it is written.

After fighting to survive such betrayal, and heartbreak with my amazing children, my thoughts crash into each other, never to make sense. How did this happen to us? How do we deserve such disrespect and embarrassment and shame? Because you don’t have a heart or soul or conscience, you don’t understand the gut wrenching pain as you picture the man you loved and gave all to with another woman.

To see the shock and pain on faces around you, and people not knowing what to do to help, so they stay away. As we all “work through the pain and devastation” thrown our way from a selfish act. To watch the pain on my Mom’s face crumble under the pain and disappointment of a son in law she adored as her own for years. The pain of a mother’s heart for her sons “dreams shattered” as she cries saying, this isn’t what I wanted for my baby.

My own torment, daily wishing I would wake up from this horrible nightmare. Trying to function and figure out why I was losing my memory and waking up to screams of some tortured soul, only to find it was me.

Waking in the night, shaking uncontrollably, till diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not sleeping for 25 days because of it, and losing 20 lbs in that time and freaking everyone out because of always being fit but now looking “too skinny and ill”.

You see I am a survivor, and yet this pain made me die inside and reduced me to a shell of a human. I fell into a deep depression staying away from other people, I could not handle my pain and disappointment and theirs also. I help people not hurt them, yet their pain came from my home, it was hard to live with. My friends worrying if it could happen to them ... “could it happen to us”?

Ah, but you probably wouldn’t understand because we are completely opposites you and I. From outward appearance (which I won’t elaborate on except to say my ego shattered that my husband would cheat on me for a such an unattractive person inside and out) You and I are on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to the person on the inside (character, ethics, morality, etc.) As I read the bible, I had prayed for you and you had said to me, “You are the nicest person I have ever met.” Yea thanks for the repayment of kindness and blowing up my world and forever altering it!!

Inside a person is, character, ethics, morality and natural affection. If you had any of these you would have never TRIED to steal another woman’s husband. First of all you were married and made a vow to God and your husband “for better or worse till death do you part.” If you had any of the above inner qualities you would not have broken your vow. Everyone knows right from wrong, someday you should enter counseling to figure out why you would violate your own conscience to do such a great evil in the sight of God and man. You see the pain and devastation you do to the woman, her husband and children. Oh I forgot you didn’t care about “your own family”. Why would you care about mine?

The scars you caused to your own soul, wife and children and my family will always remain…FOREVER. As we both know this isn’t the first married man you ruined through your flattery and lies. Is it power? Position? Money you seek?

I LOVED my husband and went through many hard times, blood, sweat and tears to get to where we were. You, you didn’t love him, you knew “this would ruin him”.

I guess you found out “what goes around comes around karma”? When I “woke up” and begged him for a month to forgive and reconcile, your husband left you; dumped you completely.

Now you are the fool, to live forever with your selfish, foolish ways. I am trying to figure out if this proves a serious IQ issue or mental problems. I guess I should be thanking God I didn’t find my pet boiling in a pot on the stove!

What is really hard for me to understand is someone so selfish can have complete disregard for others. Because you see, you only damn yourself to destruction and scar your own soul.

So my question is, do you love yourself more than the feelings and lives of your loved ones and others? Or do you hate yourself that you would bring such consequences of misery and the very judgment of the community on yourself?

Do you think in the many years of being married that I didn’t have many chances to cheat? Believe me I had many chances, but I have a soul, a conscience and I put my husband and my children before myself. I would never hurt my family in such a way. Do you think I wouldn’t like the excitement of NEW romance or variety of women? Of course and, wouldn’t we all? But most of us have self control and a brain of what the consequences would be and it just isn’t worth the pain. By the way another thing that is disgusting to me is why would you want my “sloppy seconds” have you no self-respect?

You lack all natural backbone of a man; known to be strong; protect the children, family and home at ALL cost. To be a man; to protect our fort with instincts over ones self even to death. Your unnatural affection put yourself, career, and partying before your wife and beautiful kids.

So hell no, I could never dishonor my life and bring shame to my husband and children like you did. You see I have too much self-respect and integrity to ever lower myself.

I was taught you never even dated your girlfriends x-boyfriend, I loved the sisterhood too much to ever burn a woman over a man. My gosh go find your own man, single men are all over the place. Oh I forgot…YOU’RE MARRIED, or should I say “WAS MARRIED”.

What are you teaching your kids? I would never want my kids to learn it is acceptable to disrespect themselves or others, to lie and cheat steal and deceive. To sell themselves so cheaply.

Besides anyone with half a brain would know. If a woman would cheat on the one he walked down the aisle with, made vows to with…. There is a BIG chance he would also cheat on the one he cheated with.

I pray that this is the end of your serial homewrecking; that they are over with this public embarrassment. That another husband and children are not devastated by the lowlife likes of you. You will always be remembered as the biggest mistake and worst part of my husband’s life, live with that.

Why did I choose to stay and try to work this out with my husband? I felt everyone is human, makes mistakes and deserves a second chance.

God have mercy on the next dumb man that comes across your destructive, sick path…….

From me “the wife”... It has been a few years since this happened. What was the aftermath? Well a lot of counseling and HARD WORK! People judged me as “she’s weak” and “she’s so strong. She is so dumb and blind,” to “she is so amazing and forgiving.” People wondered what I did to cause this? Did she not give him what a man needs at home? TRUST ME …I did. I heard it all. People still talk about it.

He had said I was the perfect wife and she just went temporarily insane, and she would be back one day. Different reasons for affairs, some call it mid-life crisis. I say there is something missing inside, that keeps a person from acting on an impulse or thought. Lack of self-worth or self-confidence, some underlying insecurity not dealt with.

People still feel bad for me. People came out of the woodwork to ask advice because I seemed to be doing so well.

It was so hard for my husband to regain trust from my family. People said “how could you do this to HER”? I am blessed to have a lot of friends that love me; they were hurt for me and were so angry with him…

It was hard for them to understand why I tried to let him come back home, after all he doesn’t deserve you.

It wasn’t hard for me to forgive; it was and is for him to forgive himself. I think if people knew the pain and devastation they would cause, they would run the other way. Ghosts still haunt my mind occasionally, and my heart is not the same, not yet. My hope is someday it will be 100 percent healed. I still cringe when I hear love songs about faithfulness and being true. This wasn’t what I had planned and hoped for when I was a young woman and dreamed of being married.

People ask me all the time “but what about your husband?” Trust me there was another letter written to him.

Eventually, it would be great if these men and women would learn to respect themselves and families! If they respected themselves and had self-worth they would in turn respect other women (wives) and the family unit. This takes time, growth, experience, and maturity. God forbid it would take a woman reaping what she sows, and this goes for these women and the cheating husbands. But it takes two to tango, so if at least we could grow to love ourselves we can stop some of this madness and restore the family unit.

A Few Facts on the Topic

WHAT IS a homewrecker? (slang) A person (male or female) who engages in romantic relations with a person who is married or engaged to be married with the intention of breaking up the engagement or marriage. Wiktionary 1. A person who allows, or convinces, a man/woman to cheat on their significant other with them, them, being the “homewrecker”.

2. A person who sleeps with/has a relationship with a married man/woman, even tho they know that person is married.

3. A person who does one/both of the above, and feels no guilt or remorse whatsoever for their actions. Urbandictionary adulterer - debauchee, libertine, rounder - a dissolute person; usually a man who is morally unrestrained, cheat (informal), love rat (slang), love cheat (slang) The- FreeDictionary

– Dor Mattie

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